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So last fall while attempting to tackle every speech teacher's nightmare, stage fright, it dawned on me- have a question of the day! A chance for each student to stand up at the beginning of class in front of everyone and answer a question, so that when the dreaded speech day comes, everyone feels a little more comfortable. Genius, obviously. I put together a nice list of thought provoking, unbiased, lesson appropriate questions. The night before spring semester began, as I looked in the mirror at Morgan Freeman in Lean On Me, I failed to consider one key component of this fail-safe plan.
The students' reponses.
But let's start at the beginning. As I've mentioned before on this blog, the second day of class is devoted to letting the students get to know me, and vice versa. So after a brief intro about myself (I like to be an open book....while simultaneously refusing to give up any personal information whatsoever), I asked if the students had any more questions about me.
"Miss Hall, what's your greatest fear?" Damn. Way to cut right to the core.
So I answered, "Claustrophobia." (because "ending up 40 and alone" seemed a little much for the first day). Their blank stares began to catch me off guard, so naturally I began to blabber on about what claustrophobia was, and how you get it when you have an MRI and you're in this machine and you can't press the panic button because then they'll just start it all over again, and...... who even knows what else I said. I have never had an MRI. Why did I just say that? (Not unlike the time I announced that I was in high school when we won the Stanley Cup...it was 1999.) Moving on... "Ok class, anything else?" Same kid as before: "Ya, what sports did you do in high school?"
High school? What? I always forget these are all 18 year olds who have yet to realize that highschool is now dead and behind them. The graduation tassle in your review mirror and the "football" on your activities section of facebook both need to be removed now.
"I did cheerleading and gymnastics. Anything else before we move on?"
Same kid as before raises his hand and everyone giggles... wait, what was I thinking?!! They don't care about my fake MRI experience, they're just trying to kill time so we don't have to turn in last nights homework! Rookie mistake. And there I was, Sister Mary Clarence sitting in a chair full of glue. So in order to gain back my dignity, the next day I implemented the question of the day exercise, put them in the hot seat.. only God himself could've anticipated what would come out of these kids mouths.
What's one job you could never do, no matter how much someone paid you?
-"Ma'am, if you paid me enough, there ain't a lot I wouldn't do." Not wanting him to expand on that, I moved on to the next person.
-"I could never like, babysit. Cuz kids are like, sticky. And mean." Thanks for really searching your soul on that one.
-"I could never work for a democrat."- Such bold words spoken from an 18 yr old at a private christian university in the heart of Texas...
-"I wouldn't wana be, like, you know, one a them 'women doctors'. I seen what they gotta do *crouches and holds out hands as if to catch a fast pitch*, I seen my brother's baby bein born. It just plain MESSY." Your poor, poor future wife.
-"I could never just sit behind a desk all day." Ya, you might be rethinkin that in a few years.
What's one attribute you find attractive in a friend? (we were covering attraction theory in class that day)
-Female student: "Like most all of my friends are guys, cuz girls can be so annoying and they're all about drama and I just don't really like dealing with that." That's what sluts always say.
-"Probably trust, and respect." boringggg.
-Male Student: "Uhhhh.. ummm... hmmmm..." Me: "Having trouble?" First mistake. Should have just made him answer it. M.S.: "Well, I can't really think of anything for a friend, is it ok if I just say for a girl?" Me: "Sure, thats fine!" Second mistake. M.S.: "Well.. ummm... hmmmm..." Me: "It's ok, just say whatever comes to your mind!" Mistake.. mistake.. MISTAKE. M.S.: "Alright, well, then definitely a back-side." Alright, I deserved that.
-"I like people who kinda just do the same stuff, think the same way, and like the same kinda things I do."- That is how communists are made.
-"Just like, someone who's easy going, laid back..." "Probably the best is a friend thats laid back.." "I really like people that are chill, laid back..." I was laid back once... then I decided it would be fun to teach...
If you could have one super power, what would it be?
-"I would wish to be invisible... there's some places I'd like to go.. I think you know what I mean *wink*"- Don't you dare bring me down with you.
-"I wish I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain weight." Just then, every girl in the room started yelling "Oh my god, wait! Me too! I change my answer!! OMG you're so smart!!" I could have slapped them all... except that would be freakin' sweet.
-"The ability to explode the planet at any moment. Everyone would want to be my friend." Something about that answer makes me not want to be your friend right now....
-"I wish I could fly, and that I could read minds. It would just be cool to know like what other people are REALLY thinking." Too much twilight for you girl.
-"I would wana be like the Hulk and just run around yelling HULK SMASH!! And pound stuff, you know? It would just be kind of bad ass." The kid weighed about 115 lbs... So really you just had to be there....
Please note that no one said anything to do with making money appear out of thin air.... which leads to my next set of responses.....
What's the worst job you've ever had?
*This question later had to be revised after the first three answers started out, "Well, I don't know if it counts, but this one time..." and included additives such as, "volunteer thing", "working at my dads office" and "housesitting." I remembered the importance of considering my audience when asking these daily questions, and added that it could be a volunteer opportunity... and later had to open it up to "a job your friend had."
-"I was a life guard this summer. It was pretty lame, they made me wear a one-piece and I found a band-aid in the pool once." A one-piece?? Girl, PROPS!
-Girl: "I didn't work this summer because I was taking a summer class." Me: "Well, you know, a lot of students have to take classes AND work a job." Girl: "Well, Miss Hall... that's just like... a lot." Why do I even try??
-"I worked at burger king in high school," Said the one student on scholarship in the class. I'm sure he wanted to punch everyone else...
-"Back in California I worked at a kid's jungle gym where they have kid parties. We got free cake, but we got horrible tips and there was always plenty of throw up to clean up." That's really life in a nutshell my friend. Free cake-plenty of throw up.
And there you have it. America's youth at its finest.
As some of you may know, this week I am venturing into the unknown!! Also known as community college. I'll be teaching a new class for the fall, and so far the new environment has not been a disappointment. The teacher inservice alone has given me some good material to start with- so I'm sure to be blogging again soon.
"Last time I taught,
I was like Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society...
by which I mean I got fired."
- Peter Hornberger, 30 Rock
You are probably my favorite blog. I die. Every. Time. Love you.
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